silent sighs..

my boyfriend and i have been in this relationship for almost a year now. it's been wonderful, passionate, completing.. practically everything i have been looking for. tapi gue juga merasa semakin lama more and more attached to him.. i think it's normal and considering it's him i feel attached to it's alright. He's a great guy, and we are serious about this.

tapi you can never be too sure about anything kan? anything might happen along the way, even a perfect gentleman kan turn into a jekyll and a lady could easily be a tramp. all our hopes and dreams and all the plans we have bisa aja gagal atau bagaimana. and if it does,-god forbid- will i have anything to stand on? it's frightening.

sepertinya memang ini the lesson to learn by loving and being loved. To let a part of you attached but at the same time keeping a part of it to yourself, and only yourself. Because i believe no one can love you more than your very own self. and the only one that will absolutely stick with you through thick and thin is you. just you. that's frightening too.

despite all the friends you laughed with or the number of men you loved it comes down to you. just you. tough luck huh? :)

i have been so used to that before him. and then come this man.. with a bedtime phonecall i call home and who's embrace i wish i'd melt in everytime, who's been cushioning my fall eversince..

and not once he ever raise his voice to me. see? it's just too much.

i have decided to discipline myself to need my boyfriend less.

although the weekend seem much more blissful
being the less busier end sucks on weekdays

i thank, you..

We are all used to saying thanks
we express it verbally when we get small favours
or give a token of something when the help is more than just a favor

when it's a teacher or authority figures we give little useful souvenirs
when it's a friend we make sure we're always by their side, supporting
when it's our parents we try to be obedient and fulfill their wishes and dreams

but what do we give, what do I give when the favor is so heartfelt?
more than a small favor, more than a help

one that give me more than just ease, but also peace of mind
the luxury of knowing not only will there be someone to cradle me when i cry, he will also bring a smile back to me.
the assurance that everything bad won't be as bad
and appreciation for the small blessings i overlooked

one that i just realised today, made me a better Me?

so weird spending a sunday without abang..

hyaahhh...

kangen kangen kangen kangen


(blogging thrice a day, is just pathetic isn't it?)

theirs and ours

kemarin ke the edge kemang sama abang. awalnya mau nonton jumper, telat 1/2 jam, terus ke cafe aksara kemang lagi di renov, kecewa kamipun mencari penghiburan ke the edge. waktu nyampe disitu ternyata all but two of the tables are already reserved.

"weekend sih mas.." kata waiternya..
"valentine weekend" i said.

being a researcher abang observes the place (he just can't leave his profession behind can't he? men..) dan melaporkan situasi ke gue. "anak kecil semua babe.." forgetting that i might still be in the category.. -which is good, that he forgets- lalu datanglah sepasang muda mudi, yang cewe pakai dress merah dan cardigan, carrying a bouquet. cowonya pake jas kegedean trying hard to impress her. they must've been only 15 or 16. terus kita komentar"in gitu, juga pasangan" lain yang lagi pada makan candlelight dinner. cewe"nya rapi-rapi pakai dress dan cowonya juga rapi" probably sambil deg-degan ngeliat harga yang ada di menu. beda banget sama kita berdua.

super nyantai pake jins, duduk di bar instead of the candlelit tables, drinking before dinner (we were gong to my dad's birthday afterwards). unromantic and totally comfortable. haha of course i'd love it abang comes bringing me roses or chocolates or those other sweet sweet cheesy stuff. tapi i love the talks we have everynight before bed or our lazy couch potato weekends already. the simple things we share everyday. and i'd rather not have the cheesy momentarily stuff daripada ngga punya semua itu.

kalo kata abang:
"kalo kita everyday is valentine's day kan babe?"
"iya dooong!" :D

(blogging twice a day.. ketauan banget ngga ada kerjaannya.. hueehhehe)

trying to be honest

i have a problem with honesty..

buat gue sangat sulit untuk mengungkpakan (cuih), mengutarakan apa yang gue rasakan. the things that's mounting up inside me sampai akhirnya it explodes. or someone else notices it and make me say it outloud.

bukannya gue suka menutupnutupi.. tapi i find comfort in keeping things to myself. karena by keeping it then i'd escape conflict, or so it seems karena actuallly cuma menunda. karena gue selalu berharap by keeping it the problem would go away by itself. dan most times because i just can't describe what i'm feeling.

dating me would be a tough job for the unpatient because you would have to sit me down and ask what's wrong when i act strange. upon the first question i would say 'nothing, i'm ok' and smile, because: 1. i want it to be ok, 2. i don't want you to be hurt or burdened by my complaints

yesterday i had an issue with abang.. and he sat me down and we talked and he was very helpful comforting me helped me get it off my chest, tapi belum semuanya.. and it's not because i didn't want to tell him tapi at the time i didn't know how to lay it on the table.. but i had time to think and retrace and now i know. and i so have to tell him. tapi susaaahhh.. karena i'm not used to telling people how i feel! it's just so DAMN scary!!!

*now i'm stressed*

sighs..

menunggu abang

halah judulnyaaa hahaha harusnya skalian aja ditambahin 'dari perantauan' ahhaha

iya nihhhhh menyebalkan..
Sepertinya sebulan ini akan sulit bertemu dengan abang.. soalnya kita berdua pergi ke luar kota, ngga barengan tentunya. weekend kemaren udah ngga barengan soalnya he went to Makassar tuh, tapi tadi udah pulang dan hopefully setelah sholat maghrib langsung cabut ke rumah gue hehehe.. terusnya lusa gue ke Bali, baru pulang selasa. Dan ada kemungkinan hari selasa itu si Abang pergi ke Jogja.. teteetttoweet.. abang bilang:

"kita kaya pasangan suami istri yang di sinetron ya yang dua"nya sibuk terus rumah tangganya terbengkalai"

huahahahahha..

emang sih jadi ribet.. pulsa telfon mahal pula.. tapi ngga apa" juga sih, i'm not complaining. alhamdulillah teman"ku banyak dan lincah-lincah jadi banyak yang nemenin huehehe

yes, well, risiko dating with older guys..

dan lusa aku ke Baliiiiiii! BALI BABY!!!

packed my shorts, swimsuit, sunblock and tanning lotion already!!!!! :D

must grow up

ehhehehheh kayanya on my last post i was so ungrateful ya :p

correction:
it was a quiet birthday. but memorable nevertheless

dapat banyak sekali ucapan ulang tahun dan dari orang-orang yang gue pikir ngga mungkin nginget nginget. karena honestly gw sendiri bukan orang yang suka ngafal0ngafalin ulang tahun orang. kalo pas inget ya gue ucapin tapi kalo ngga.. yaaaa gituuu deee hehehehhehehe soalnya gw suka mikir kayanya ngga sepenting itu juga. tapi being on the other side of it, the receiving end, it actually does matter. ternyata seneng banget ya kalau ulang taun kita diingat orang lain yang kita ngga akrab. hehehehe

and in the end of that day i get to spend my birthday with my boyfriend. around 10 pm he called, i thought he was home eh ternyata di depan pager. he came with 2 slices of cheesecake one strawberry and the other blueberry for me to choose, and a packet of crayonlike candles. i picked the strawberry cheesecake and put a yellow crayon candle on it. then he lit it, and i blew.

lalu the next day toup lilin lagi di acara arisan sama anak-anak kampus.
and the following weekend i had dinner with my parents, sisters and our boyfriends.

well well welcome 21
it's official now: must grow up! :)