i wept last night

I had trouble sleeping last night.. my head just won't shut up. usually their chatter stops when my boyf call so we could sleep and snore through the phone. But he's in bali for the next few days so we can't do that. We texted but he fell asleep at some point when i'm still awake.

So then i put my ipod on around 2 am, and weep to coldplay.

No, not because he fell asleep before i did! LOL

probably it's the pms (classic)

or my envy to the cast of BBC Switch's Class of 2008's independent life, however impulsive and kinda irresponsible it is.

or the afternoon chat i had with my aunties about nationality and our disappointment about this nation (well, i didn't complain much since as you know i'm abstaining on all that) which makes me want to flee Indo even more.

and then talking about my future with them. Work, and chances on working abroad. i feel i so need to improve my life.

later i discussed about working abroad with my boyf, and i became sad.. about the idea of parting, eventhough it's just an idea, but if the opportunity comes i know i will want to take it so badly.

and then i weep and weep because i am angry that my life after college still hasn't begun. I really really really want to work. to move out of the house. to get on with my life. get married or do something, anything.

however hard it is to be in that jungle at least i'll be living my life. my very own life.

o yeah, i said something kinda smart last night hahaha

It's ok tante if they become Singaporeans. It's doesnt matter what their nationality is, Indonesia will always be their heritage. It's two different things. This country has got nothing to offer anymore.

(Tante Silvi lives in S'pore and her son who was born there and has dual nationality had to enroll in s'pore's military service if he wants to continue living there, but that would make him singaporean by nationality. Yet if he choose otherwise he has to come back to Indonesia)

I love this country, i do, really. But it's a love-hate situation. i love it but it (or the ppl that runs it) seems to hate me. So at the same time i'm trying to forget my love and attachment to it because i know everything's so f-ed up. It's like dating a guy or since we're talking about our mother land, having a mom who likes to beat you up as a favorite past time.. Simply heart breaking.

ah anyways...

i'll just stop. i want to keep a positive vibe today.

Until next time!!! :))

silent sighs..

my boyfriend and i have been in this relationship for almost a year now. it's been wonderful, passionate, completing.. practically everything i have been looking for. tapi gue juga merasa semakin lama more and more attached to him.. i think it's normal and considering it's him i feel attached to it's alright. He's a great guy, and we are serious about this.

tapi you can never be too sure about anything kan? anything might happen along the way, even a perfect gentleman kan turn into a jekyll and a lady could easily be a tramp. all our hopes and dreams and all the plans we have bisa aja gagal atau bagaimana. and if it does,-god forbid- will i have anything to stand on? it's frightening.

sepertinya memang ini the lesson to learn by loving and being loved. To let a part of you attached but at the same time keeping a part of it to yourself, and only yourself. Because i believe no one can love you more than your very own self. and the only one that will absolutely stick with you through thick and thin is you. just you. that's frightening too.

despite all the friends you laughed with or the number of men you loved it comes down to you. just you. tough luck huh? :)

i have been so used to that before him. and then come this man.. with a bedtime phonecall i call home and who's embrace i wish i'd melt in everytime, who's been cushioning my fall eversince..

and not once he ever raise his voice to me. see? it's just too much.

swing.. swing..

a few days ago.. i get soo scared suddenly.. i had been procrastinating my desk research for the Nestle presentation test for wednesday.
the fact that i am actually graduating and about to throw myself to the 'real' world was suddenly gripping. tight.

what if i can't get a job? what if i do get a job but i come to hate it? should i just go to school again? tha list go on and on and on mulai dari soal pekerjaan to 'what if i can't provide myself a good meal on a daily basis?' to 'what if i can't be a good wife/mother'.

I feel like hanging by a thread swinging back and forth between a cliff named 'privileged life with parents' and 'time to make your own life dear'. and its effing scary. i actually cried. i did, really.

When i confided in my mom she said,
'Well life must go on. you have to face it head on. mau gimana lagi dong? Mama kan doain kamu terus, insya Allah kamu bisa...'

You see since i was little i was raised to fully understand that my family aren't my rescue team. if i fall, i fall alone. My parents always make sure i fully realise that every decision i make is mine alone to choose and to take responsibility of. even more so now that i've graduated and everything. and also make sure that i know that i can and i will succeed..

'kalo ngga bisa juga, kan bisa minta ditampung Yose..'
or get married if all else fails. Sometimes i wonder if my Dad has only been her escape plan all these times.. hahahahaha

later that night i got news from my friend Dinda that she just gave birth to her son that evening. Isn't it wonderful? :) that news gave me spirit. I thought, 'If Dinda can be a wife and a mother already, i sure can score a job and do a lot more!'

WoD

the word of the day is
ANXIOUS

mengapa hey mengapa?
karena oh karena it is decided..

Sidang Skripsi
Nama : Jinitya Yasmine Basarah
NPM: 0904100218
Hari / Tanggal : Jumat 20 Juni 2008
Ruangan : M104

oh doakan ya..

and i'm also anxious waiting for my parents to come home from their second honeymoon to europe. i hope my mom's not pregnant, it'd be too weird.. but i am anxious mostly because she bought me an anya kennedy bag :p hahahahhahahaha

potential signs of breakdown

i got home from campus around 2 and sat in front of the tv and eat a bowl of indomie goreng and stayed there unlifting my ass watchin HBO for the next 3 hours. and that my friend are potential signs of a break down.

I dont usually watch TV that much
I dont usually eat instant noodles impulsively. heck i don't even eat it once a few months.

care to ask WHY anyone?

reason number 1 is beacuse i am sooo fed up doing my thesis!!
the sight, the smell, of my beloved campus makes me want to puke. and so are the streets! i endure the 30 minute drive towards it cursing every goddamn motorcycles and non-pedestrian (the governments are too busy to build any sidewalk on minor streets) along the way.

reason number 2 is i am sooo fed up with my f-ing pembimbing skripsi!
He is SUCH a perfectionist! i know i know it's for my own good.. but why WHY?? WHY? does he never, NEVER cut me some slack? and if any of the other professor cut me slack, he cut THEM! goodness!! i just want my bachelor degree! is that too much to ask??? I need to GET ON with my LIFE jerk!

reason number 3 is i am contemplating on fraud attempts..
one thing i learned going to campus today after discussing things with my friends: when you face a dead end fraud is the answer. FUCKIN FRAUD IS FINE MY FRIEND! ha! right now i got little voices inside my head trying to justify things if then i fraud it.. "it's ok, it's just a teensy weensy manipulations.. " "it's not like you killed anyone" "oh come on, do you want to get that degree or not?" and the most poserful one "everyone's doing it! your seniors did! your friends encouraged you! your juniors will, betcha! maybe even your professors did back in the days!"
i am a corrupt student. there i admit it.

reason number 4 i am soo pressured seeing my friends doing their thesis
it's weird i know. but i hate seeing them ahead of me, or doing it slower than i do. i wish they're not doing it at all. i wish we don't need to do any of this at all and graduate anyway!!! why? because it's TIRING. and when we see each other we will, we MUST ask each other how our thesis' are going. or else we'd be like parents meeting and not asking about each others' kids' it's just plain rude.. and it's DEPRESSING!

and on top of all that i chipped my teeth this weekend! my front tooth! i look like a witch! it happened when i was having dinner with my boyfriend and afterwards i can't kiss him without being cautious or i'd hurt him. which i already did. and he gave a big 'ouch' beore letting me go. and that is so not sexy to have when you're kissing. never sexy, i might add..

oh.. why didn't i develop a smoking habit? or drinking?? it shouldn't be too late to adopt the later right? afterall i love cocktails..

oh fuck..

(to all parties that might be in any sort of way offended by this, please understand these are all rants.. they're just RANTS ok?)

issues..

akhir-akhir ini ada dua pertanyaan yang seriiiiiiiing banget diajukan ke gue..

pertama:
"Jadi 'kapan' nih?"

kedua:
"udah sampe mana skripsinya?"

i find it strange bahwa pertanyaan soal skripsi justru menduduki peringkat kedua. dan orang yang menanyakan skripsi gue biasanya abis itu langsung nanyain pertanyaan yang pertama.. apalagi pas gue ke kawinan sodara gue beberapa hari yang lalu.. beuuuuhhhh.. gue bahkan belum masuk ke gedung waktu pertanyaan soal nikah itu ditanyakan ke gue.. dan waktu di dalam gedung lebih gila lagi.. bahkan tante-tante jauh gue menyatakan sudah membentuk kepanitiaan..

Ma'inang..

gue cuma bisa keheranan, malu sendiri sambil ketawa-ketawa aneh dan bilang "aduuuh.. doain aja skripsinya dulu ya tante.. biar cepet dan lancar.."

dan kalo udah denger kata 'cepet' yang gue lontarkan biasanya terus lawan biacar gue bilang "biar cepet kawin ya?" aduuuhhh bukan itu juga kaliii.. i need to do this for myself!

kalo kata nyokap "ya bagus teh.. berarti kan pada ngedoain supaya kamu jodohnya cepet.."

yahiya sih.. gue ngerti juga dan seneng juga krn they are wishing me well. apalagi di keluarga ga pernah denger gue punya pacar. dan tau-tau sekarang gue pacarannya serius.. ya ngerti juga sih kalo jadi pengen tau.. dan bukannya gue ngga mikirin itu juga.. tapi i'm just a very private person. dan for rite now skripsi is on top of my list. rasanya belum pantes aja ngomongin nikah"an kalau 'hutang' yang besar dan susah dibayar ini belum terselesaikan. one step at a time dong..

terusnya juga kok kayanya skripsi ini malah jadi dioverlooked.. kayanya gue cuma ngerjain karena pengen cepet selesai aja padahal gue bener-bener serius ngerjainnya, dan tema yang gue angkat juga ngga gampang.. tapi sepertinya orang-orang lebih tertarik ngomongin what's after the skripsi.. padahal kan gue lagi mencoba berprestasi nih.. making my own mark in this world gitulah...

ya, well.. anyways.. wish me well lah ya.. on both subjects.. :)