i thank, you..

We are all used to saying thanks
we express it verbally when we get small favours
or give a token of something when the help is more than just a favor

when it's a teacher or authority figures we give little useful souvenirs
when it's a friend we make sure we're always by their side, supporting
when it's our parents we try to be obedient and fulfill their wishes and dreams

but what do we give, what do I give when the favor is so heartfelt?
more than a small favor, more than a help

one that give me more than just ease, but also peace of mind
the luxury of knowing not only will there be someone to cradle me when i cry, he will also bring a smile back to me.
the assurance that everything bad won't be as bad
and appreciation for the small blessings i overlooked

one that i just realised today, made me a better Me?

potential signs of breakdown

i got home from campus around 2 and sat in front of the tv and eat a bowl of indomie goreng and stayed there unlifting my ass watchin HBO for the next 3 hours. and that my friend are potential signs of a break down.

I dont usually watch TV that much
I dont usually eat instant noodles impulsively. heck i don't even eat it once a few months.

care to ask WHY anyone?

reason number 1 is beacuse i am sooo fed up doing my thesis!!
the sight, the smell, of my beloved campus makes me want to puke. and so are the streets! i endure the 30 minute drive towards it cursing every goddamn motorcycles and non-pedestrian (the governments are too busy to build any sidewalk on minor streets) along the way.

reason number 2 is i am sooo fed up with my f-ing pembimbing skripsi!
He is SUCH a perfectionist! i know i know it's for my own good.. but why WHY?? WHY? does he never, NEVER cut me some slack? and if any of the other professor cut me slack, he cut THEM! goodness!! i just want my bachelor degree! is that too much to ask??? I need to GET ON with my LIFE jerk!

reason number 3 is i am contemplating on fraud attempts..
one thing i learned going to campus today after discussing things with my friends: when you face a dead end fraud is the answer. FUCKIN FRAUD IS FINE MY FRIEND! ha! right now i got little voices inside my head trying to justify things if then i fraud it.. "it's ok, it's just a teensy weensy manipulations.. " "it's not like you killed anyone" "oh come on, do you want to get that degree or not?" and the most poserful one "everyone's doing it! your seniors did! your friends encouraged you! your juniors will, betcha! maybe even your professors did back in the days!"
i am a corrupt student. there i admit it.

reason number 4 i am soo pressured seeing my friends doing their thesis
it's weird i know. but i hate seeing them ahead of me, or doing it slower than i do. i wish they're not doing it at all. i wish we don't need to do any of this at all and graduate anyway!!! why? because it's TIRING. and when we see each other we will, we MUST ask each other how our thesis' are going. or else we'd be like parents meeting and not asking about each others' kids' it's just plain rude.. and it's DEPRESSING!

and on top of all that i chipped my teeth this weekend! my front tooth! i look like a witch! it happened when i was having dinner with my boyfriend and afterwards i can't kiss him without being cautious or i'd hurt him. which i already did. and he gave a big 'ouch' beore letting me go. and that is so not sexy to have when you're kissing. never sexy, i might add..

oh.. why didn't i develop a smoking habit? or drinking?? it shouldn't be too late to adopt the later right? afterall i love cocktails..

oh fuck..

(to all parties that might be in any sort of way offended by this, please understand these are all rants.. they're just RANTS ok?)