swing.. swing..

a few days ago.. i get soo scared suddenly.. i had been procrastinating my desk research for the Nestle presentation test for wednesday.
the fact that i am actually graduating and about to throw myself to the 'real' world was suddenly gripping. tight.

what if i can't get a job? what if i do get a job but i come to hate it? should i just go to school again? tha list go on and on and on mulai dari soal pekerjaan to 'what if i can't provide myself a good meal on a daily basis?' to 'what if i can't be a good wife/mother'.

I feel like hanging by a thread swinging back and forth between a cliff named 'privileged life with parents' and 'time to make your own life dear'. and its effing scary. i actually cried. i did, really.

When i confided in my mom she said,
'Well life must go on. you have to face it head on. mau gimana lagi dong? Mama kan doain kamu terus, insya Allah kamu bisa...'

You see since i was little i was raised to fully understand that my family aren't my rescue team. if i fall, i fall alone. My parents always make sure i fully realise that every decision i make is mine alone to choose and to take responsibility of. even more so now that i've graduated and everything. and also make sure that i know that i can and i will succeed..

'kalo ngga bisa juga, kan bisa minta ditampung Yose..'
or get married if all else fails. Sometimes i wonder if my Dad has only been her escape plan all these times.. hahahahaha

later that night i got news from my friend Dinda that she just gave birth to her son that evening. Isn't it wonderful? :) that news gave me spirit. I thought, 'If Dinda can be a wife and a mother already, i sure can score a job and do a lot more!'